Kerry's new slogans


I have long believed that humor is one of the most powerful political weapons. Derisive laughter is an argument that cannot be contested. Laughter is also contagious. Once a candidate slips into the nether—region where the parody expresses more truth than his own words, his future is distinctly limited.

John Kerry has always been a haughty, pompous, unlikable fellow, one who would not like to sit next to you on a long airplane trip any more than you would like to sit next to him. That's why it is so fortunate that he never has to fly commercial, jetting around on his campaign 757 now, and returning to the smaller but far more luxurious chariot, Teresa's Gulfsrtream V, The Flying Squirrel, come November.

The stresses of the presidential campaign have not, shall we say, brought out his inner strength, either. Some of his material is beyond parody, such as I voted for it before I voted against it. Nevertheless, David Burgee, also known as Iowahawk, was handed a golden opportunity by Democrat blogger Joshua Micah Marshall. Those of us who have had the good fortune to spend time with him know that David NEVER lets a good opportunity for satire pass him by. Honestly, I can't read what follows without laughing every time.

Put down your coffee before you go any further:

Famous brooding internet intellectual Joshua Micah Fauntleroy Mellencamp Heinz—Marshall (apologies to Ace) has put his finger on the root of John Kerry's electoral dysfunction —— inadequate slogans! —— and solicits suggestions. We aim to please, Josh.

I Will Keep Our Enemies Guessing, Too

Projecting American Strength Through Intricately Complex Nuance

The Thinking Man's Self—Confessed War Criminal

Vote For Me or My Running Mate Will Sue

Those Atrocity Stories? Dude, I Was Just Sh*****g You

I Will Do For You the Many Wonderous Things I Have Done For Massachusetts

Fear Not, America, I Have Deigned to Lead You

I Will Never Recuse My UN Ambassador from the Vote to Ask for a Permission Slip to Defend This Country

The Next Time America is Attacked, I Promise To Open Up a Carafe of Whupass

Post—Emptive Leadership For A Safer World

I Have Three Words For George Bush —— Bring It On

I Have Five More Words For George Bush —— Call Off Your On—Bringers

Restoring America's Seat At The Global Popular Table

Come Home Again, America... No Wait, Stay There Again

There Once Was A Man From Nantucket, If You Get My Drift

Shaggin' Billionaire Bag Ladies So You Don't Have To

Some Look at Things As They Are And Say, 'Why?' Others Look at Things As They Are Not And Say, 'Why Not?', And I Suppose A Few Might Look at Things As They Are Not, And Say 'Why?', and Vice—Versa, and So Forth, And One Might Be Tempted To Look at These People Looking at Things And Ask 'Who?' But This Would Not Be Constructive, Because The Important Thing To Realize Is That Some People Like To Look At Things, And This Is Precisely My Point

Thanks, David. I needed that.

Hat tip: Charlite

Thomas Lifson  9 19 04